Secret potions club
by The madness in me
Summary: Side story to Luna Lovegood and the Dark Lords Diary. Snape starts a secret potions club with himself, Luna Lovegood and the Weasley twins. Chaos Ensues.
1. Chapter 1

This is a companion story to my other fic Luna Lovegood and the Dark Lords Diary and will depict the events of the secret potions club mentioned in chapter 40. Members are Snape, Luna, Fred and George.

You don't necessarily need to read that story to understand this one as this will be less plot and more of a crack fic. It will line up with the events in LLDLD where it needs to however. First chapter is mostly Snape POV as I wanted a different perspective from the main story, this may change from chapter to chapter, I admit I don't know yet how this story will shape up.

Anyone who is already reading LLDLD and came here from there, thanks for coming and I hope you enjoy. :D

* * *

Snape lined up the cauldrons in a neat row across the top of the desk.

There were four.

One for Luna, one for each of the twins and one for himself.

He usually didn't join in with the actual brewing during lessons, mostly because he was too busy making sure none of his students blew anything up, but with such a small group of reasonably capable students he figured it was safe enough. He was behind on several of his own projects anyway thanks to all the time he had to sacrifice brewing for the werewolf. He still thought it was a terrible idea to have Lupin teaching here but Dumbledore was as stubborn as ever and refused to be swayed once his mind was set on something.

The promise shown by the Lovegood girl was something of a novelty to the Potions Master. He hadn't met a student with that level of ingenuity in Merlin knows how long. On top of that discovering that the Weasley twins of all people had their own hidden talents in his subject had been an odd but not necessarily unpleasant surprise.

All in all it had been an interesting week.

The three kids were due to arrive any moment now.

He had decided to run the club on Thursday evenings when all three students and himself were available and unlikely to be missed too much by their peers if they disappeared for a few hours. The twins last lesson before this was on the first floor, Lunas was on the fourth so the boys arrived first.

"Ok Professor, we wanted to discuss some things before we start" George began.

Snape raised an eyebrow, that was oddly confrontational.

"What things?"

Fred quickly cut in with his portion "We've been thinking about this ever since it was mentioned and we have a few queries"

"We want to understand your motives for starting this club" George clarified.

"Other than encouraging promising students in the pursuit of my subject you mean?" Wasn't that obvious?

"You have plenty of promising students." Fred pointed out "and you never started a club for them. Why us? Why Luna? Why do you even care if we're encouraged when it's obvious you hate all your students anyway."

Severus let the questions sink in then shook his head. "I do not hate my students." He told them honestly "I have never hated any of my students."

"You hate us." Fred gestured between himself and George. His brother nodded in agreement. "You've always made that clear"

"I get frustrated with you because you never actually seem to listen in my lessons, you just go off trail and do your own thing. That doesn't mean I hate you."

"You almost failed us last year." Fred pointed out defensively.

Snape scoffed at that "Almost failed you? You are the only students I've ever passed who handed in a different potion to the one you were supposed to be making. That I was even willing to grade you based on the merits of that potion should be enough to convince you. If I hated you I could have justifiably failed you on the spot."

Oh." They both thought back and remembered how they had begun devising a plan for an itching potion for their planned joke shop half way through the exam and began brewing a prototype instead of the fever remedy they were meant to be making. In retrospect they probably shouldn't have handed it to Snape.

He had handed it back with a passing grade and even comments on improvements which they had used for the second batch.

"Right." They conceded finally "Thanks for that actually."

The pair of them were quiet for a moment before a flash of inspiration stuck George.

"You hate Hermione." He insisted "She told us you always ignore her when she puts her hand up."

Snape rolled his eyes at that one.

"She rarely puts it down. The other students need a chance to learn too sometimes. They can't do that If Miss Granger is the only student contributing to lessons."

The twins went quiet again, reluctantly accepting the explanation as they wracked their brains for a student they could confidently say Snape hated.

"What about Harry?"

"Potter? I hated his father and dislike him." He admitted "I do not hate the boy though. I have looked out for him just as much as any other teacher in this school"

Another moment went by in silence, this was harder than they had expected.

"Ok, I've got one! Neville. You absolutely hate Neville I know you do." George declared.

"Everyone in the school knows you hate Neville." Fred nodded. They both looked smug, certain that they had proven their point.

For the first time in this conversation Snape actually smiled "I was unbearably irritated with Longbottom at first but have recently had a change of heart and now realise his true value."

The boys glanced between each other, neither sure if they trusted that look on the Potion Masters face "True value?"

"Yes" Snape declared, smile widening in a way that would have been normal on anyone else but seemed disturbingly out of place on him "He's going to make me rich."

Another nervous glance between them "How?"

"I'm writing a book inspired by him that I believe will sell quite well."

"What book?" Fred asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"'101 ways to weaponize potions previously thought to be harmless.' I'm up to 43 so far."

The room went quiet for a moment, twins startled into silence. Was that….? Did….did Severus Snape the dungeon bat himself honestly just make a joke? Or maybe he was serious? He couldn't be serious could he?

Either way it was funny.

A slow smile lifted both boys faces and quickly twisted into a laugh, in no time whatsoever both were doubled over laughing. Snape was far more restrained but still couldn't help holding a smile of his own which was honest and relaxed.

"You know what Professor?" George chuckled once he had righted himself again "You're alright."

"Yeah" Fred agreed. "It's pretty cool seeing this other side of you. I think this club is going to be fun"

"As long as you don't go around telling people I'm secretly a nice guy" Snape warned them, only half-jokingly.

George snorted "Professor no one would believe us even if we did."

…..

Later that day Snape watched as Neville added the crow's talon to the cauldron and the off-pink gloop that was meant to be a lime green headache remedy, wondering where the boy had even found that in his store and why he thought it was supposed to go in this potion when it was nowhere on the ingredients list.

As the toxic fumes began to fill the room the bemused Potions Master ushered the rest of the students out and quickly followed, covering his nose with the sleeve of his robes to avoid inhaling the pungent cloud. Once the fumes cleared and the panic had died down he took a moment to scribble the process the boy had followed into his notebook with a gleeful smile.

44 and counting.

"This stuff is gold."

* * *

I had intended to include Luna in the first chapter but it took on a life of its own and wound up being more Snape, Fred and George focused. Luna will be in the next chapter I promise.


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh Merlin that is just awful" Lupin told him for the twentieth time, grimacing as he swallowed the last mouthful of potion and handed the goblet back.

"So you've said" The Potions Master sneered.

"Are you sure there is nothing you can do about the taste?" the wolf asked him, more out of habit that actual hope.

Snape just turned and walked away not even bothering to respond.

Tired of listening to the monthly complaints Snape decided to at least consider some options for improving the potions taste and was preparing a few ideas for it when the twins arrived for Secret Potions Club as it had been dubbed.

"What are you working on Sir?" The boys had no hesitation moving behind the desk to look over the other man's shoulder at his notes and Snape was surprised to find he wasn't too bothered by their relaxed attitude to him, it was actually refreshing to have students who seemed pleased to be there.

The notes themselves were nothing more than a list of ingredients and preparation breakdowns anyway.

"Oh" George exclaimed pulling one page closer to read off of it "Wolfsbane"

Snape's eyes widened in surprise that the boy had apparently identified the potion from the information on the parchment and fought the urge to cover the paper knowing that he was meant to be protecting his colleague's secret. He was about to come up with some excuse for why he was looking into wolfsbane when the other brother startled him even further.

"Is that for Professor Lupin then?"

The question was delivered casually as the boy fiddled with an ornate quill he had just picked up from beside Snape's inkwell.

Snape himself froze. "How did you?" He backtracked "I mean ….no…I"

"it's alright Professor, we've known for a while" Fred reassured him with a smile.

"Yeah, we overheard him talking to Dumbledore at the start of the year" George agreed. "There may have been some extendable ears involved" he admitted with a grin.

"So what is it you're up to?" Fred queried.

Luna arrived just as the Potions Master had come to terms with the fact that several of his students were aware of Lupin's Lycanthropy and apparently unfazed by it. Lupin had informed him some time ago that the girl herself was aware so he decided to take advantage of the situation.

"Please take a seat Miss Lovegood" He gestured for the boys to do the same and they all pulled their chairs up to the front of his desk "Since everyone present is aware of Professor Lupin's affliction, you may as well all help me with a brainstorming session"

He pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation "Due to a number of incessant and ungrateful complaints I am attempting to find a way to make the wolfsbane potion more palatable"

Luna smiled at him, ignoring the numerous points of sarcasm in that statement. "Oh that's very kind of you Professor"

Snape rolled his eyes but turned away so she wouldn't see it "It's more to shut him up than out of kindness I assure you"

The girl continued to smile anyway and Snape let the matter drop as he stood to write the ingredients and method on the chalkboard for them all to review.

"My first thought was to add dandelion…" He informed them "...but that would reduce the effectiveness and potentially make several of the ingredients turn poisonous" He wrote this on the board then put an X beside it and continued. "Then I thought removing the seederman could help as it is very pungent but there is nothing to replace it with that would work as well and it is needed to stabilise the colerot"

The children watched in silence as he talked through ideas, more thinking out loud to himself than brainstorming, this was an advanced potion after all and a little beyond their level.

From his seat George tiled his head to the side in consideration eyes trained on the list of ingredients.

"Why don't you just give him a tongue numbing potion beforehand so he can't taste anything, then substitute the marrow in the wolfsbane with mill-root to offset the curdling effect of the Harrow weed in the numbing potion and add some messatal powder to reduce the acidity the mill-root would cause?"

The other three all turned towards him in surprise. Even Fred was staring at his twin as if he had never seen the other boy before.

"What?" George asked defensively.

"Brother of mine" Fred told him solemnly "I have no idea what you just said."

"I do." Snape cut in rushing to write it down "That….that would work. Why did I not think of that?"

Fred blinked at his brother dazed.

"How did you know that?"

George shrugged "We found that book on the base properties of potion ingredients and their interactions when we were cleaning out the potions stores in detention once remember?"

"I remember a lot of numbers and words that didn't make sense." Fred told him, shaking his head in amazement.

"I was wondering where that went" Snape muttered, staring at George in surprise. "That's an advance level textbook. You read it?"

"Yeah."

"You understood it?"

"Yeah. It was cool."

"Wow." Fred whistled in admiration, "I'm impressed."

"Well you were always better at charms" George grinned "Apparently potions are my forte."

"I'm impressed too" Snape told him with total sincerity "In fact…" He paused for a moment considering the possibility, "Mr Weasley I would like to review your current understanding and possibly look into enrolling you for the NEWTS exam"

George balked in shock "NEWTS? But I'm only fifth year"

"That's why I want to review your knowledge" Snape told him "you might not be ready but if you can read that book and understand it enough to come up with a suggesting like the one you just did think you might be."

Luna looked delighted.

"You could be taking one of your NEWTS early" She squealed "In Ravenclaw that's one of the biggest honours"

"In Gryffindor it's the opposite" George snorted shaking his head. "Especially in potions. No offence Professor."

Snape sighed lightly trying to hide his disappointment; it was always a shame when talented students refused to embrace their abilities. "So you don't want to take the test?"

George watched the emotions play over the man's face; surprised to see genuine hurt there "What the hell" He declared "I'll give it a go"

Fred clapped him on the shoulder in support "Wicked. Can't wait to see the look on mums face when she finds out"

George laughed "She'll think it's a prank"

"Yep, but this time it will be totally true, George Weasley potions genius"

Snape snorted at the statement but didn't try to refute it; that was a very difficult textbook after all, it seems his students were full of surprises these days.

….

"Drink this." Snape demanded, thrusting the small vial into the werewolf's hands, the familiar goblet of wolfsbane still grasped in his own spindly fingers.

"What is it?" Remus asked nervously.

Snape rolled his eyes at the suspicion in the other mans gaze "It's a vial of very potent poison that will turn you every colour of the rainbow before it kills you." He responded sarcastically. (Oddly enough thanks to Neville he now knew how to make a potion that would do exactly that, it was number 17 in his book)

Remus continued to stare at the vial as if suspecting Snape really had given him poison until the Potions Master finally lost his patience "It's to help with your wolfsbane" he snapped.

Why was he bothering to do this again?

With one last nervous look Lupin apparently decided to trust him and shrugged then downed the potion.

"Ugh wa, un hearht is shat?" Lupin asked, frowning and poking at his own tongue looking confused.

Snape just thrust the goblet of wolfsbane at him and waited for the other man to get the message and drink that too. Lupin downed it quickly, face twisting into the usual grimace on instinct before suddenly dropping in surprise. He paused, smacking his lips together as if actually trying to taste the potent liquid. Brown eyes turned towards Snape, wide with amazement.

"The numbing potion will wear off in a few minutes" Snape told him taking the goblet back and turning to leave. He made it two steps before tensing in horror, wondering for a moment if he was under attack and ready to fight back as a weight hit his back and arms trapped his own in a firm hold. It took a few seconds to realise with dawning horror that he was being hugged.

"Sezruss zank u su nutch" Lupin cooed at him.

"Lupin" Snape said slowly as if talking to a small child.

"Esss seruss?"

"Let go"


	3. Chapter 3

On Saturday every student in the castle hid in their rooms afraid to come out, their clothes so itchy as to be unwearable. Snape enjoyed a peaceful day free of the usual dramas.

On Sunday the roast chickens at dinner were swapped with a rubber version that danced along the tables in a synchronised routine. One of them knocked an entire pot of gravy onto Lupins plate. Snape almost laughed in public.

On Monday a stinkbomb the size of a quaffle rendered the entire West side of the castle uninhabitable. Snape didn't notice. His rooms were to the East.

On Tuesday a display of fireworks blasted their way through the corridors spinning between rooms as students ducked and dived out of their way, lighting up the castle in an array of colours that would make a rainbow envious. Snape noticed quickly they they were charmed not to hit anyone and walked casually through the chaos as everyone else panicked.

On Wednesday a helium type substance spread through the castle and made everyone's voices ridiculously high. Snape perfected his silent glare.

On Thursday Snape found the Weasley twins peering into a cauldron, in the side room of his office that they had been using for Secret Potions Club, with looks of deep concentration on their faces. They had missed all of their lessons that day so he could only presume they had been here the whole time.

"What exactly are you two planning now?"

A pair of red topped heads shot up, apparently that hadn't heard him come in.

"Oh hello Professor" George grinned. "Nothing much, just a little concoction that will make whoever drinks it sing instead of speak for a few hours"

"It's for our joke shop" Fred added happily continuing to stir the bright blue concoction.

"Joke shop?"

"Didn't we tell you?" The boys grinned with excitement "We're opening a joke shop when we leave here, we've been testing a few prototypes"

"So I noticed" Snape deadpanned, peering into the cauldron with mild interest, "You should stir it the other way." He noted

Fred switched directions immediately without comment. "We're going to be bigger than Zonkos" He chirped happily.

"Indeed? How exactly to you intend to fund this venture?" The question was asked casually. A point of rational curiosity and clearly not intended to be malicious but the boys both froze, eyes downcast. It was an issue that had been trying not to think about.

"Um…"

"Well, we still have a few years to figure it out" George stated quickly, trying to summon up some optimism.

"Yeah" Fred added "We figured by the time we leave after seventh year we will have enough products perfected that we can drum up some investment"

Snape looked between them and then back to the potion, eyebrow raised in speculation before standing back with an air of detachment and walking over to his desk where his own project was waiting, letting the matter drop.

"See that that doesn't end up in my drink" He told them calmly.

"Wouldn't dare" George grinned.

…

Dinner that evening was a sight to behold, how the boys had managed to get the potion into every jug of pumpkin juice in the hall was a mystery but the effect was quite spectacular.

Shortly after the effects of the potion became apparent Draco Malfoy gave an energetic rendition of the now hit song "Myyyyy faatheeer will Heaaaar abooooooooout this" that was so heartfelt many of the other students joined in to provide backing.

To top it off Snape found that the only thing funnier than listening to his colleague's musical attempts to regain order was the look of astonishment on their faces when he stood up and quite casually excused himself from the situation in plain speech before happily walking away and leaving them to it.

At the middle of the room Fred and George Weasley were up on a table in the thick of it, singing louder than anyone else with a laughing Luna Lovegood dancing between them.

The next morning an owl arrived in the Gryffindor fifth years dorm with a pouch of ten galleons addressed to the twins and a note declaring it the first of their weekly Prank Protection Payments.

* * *

Luna will be in more chapters soon I promise. I just cant seem to get away from Snape and the Twins yet.


	4. Chapter 4

Snape took a sip of the tea on his desk, surprised slightly by how sweet it was but too focused on his task to really think about it.

Him and his little club were devising some ground-breaking alterations to the tanderin-potion that he hadn't even thought to consider before. Having some fresh creative minds taking an interest in his subject really was proving to be invaluable. He looked into their shared cauldron and saw that the mixture was thickening correctly, time for stage three.

"Allllrighhht, now addd the neeeeewt."

The Potions Master froze in horror at the musical tones that came rolling unhindered over his tongue. What on earth?

A sharp glare turned towards the twins, his accusation clear. _We had a deal!_

But the two boys themselves stared back at him with genuine shock painted across their faces eyes wide and slightly nervous hands both raised in supplication.

"Wasn't us Professor"

"Honest it wasn't"

For some reason Snape was inclined to believe them, the boys hearts were too set on this joke shop to risk upsetting their only benefactor this early in the game. With no other possibility available the glare was turned slowly onto the only other occupant in the room, its intensity softening in question.

Luna looked back at him with an expression of absolute innocence.

"I'm sorry Professor, it's just…..you have such a lovely voice. It seemed a shame not to"

To their credit the twins did at least attempt to restrain their laughter, hands clamped over their mouths as they doubled over

Snape spared them little more than a quick eye roll.

Mostly he kept his focus on the girl, his mind whirring….if anyone else had done this….anyone….and yet…

Some traitorous part of his mind couldn't help thinking, what's the harm?

There was no one there but them and he had already relaxed around these students more than anyone else had seen him relax in years.

He could stay silent until the effects wore off, but then, he was really excited about this potion and wanted to finish it, and of course he could just write the instructions down for them and finish it that way but….and damn himself for caring but….when was the last time anyone had complimented anything about him?

So he looked a little silly for an hour of so…he'd suffered through worse and something told him that of all the people in the world these three were among the few least likely to judge or mock him for it.

With a deep calming breath he decided, 'sod it' and grabbed the aforementioned newt, quickly adding it to the mix.

"Nooow stir to the riiiiight!"

Luna's smile and the twin's cheer of triumph gained no visible reaction but inside Severus Snape felt an odd warmth appear that lingered long after the singing potion wore off.

* * *

This was meant to be a funny chapter when I started typing and somehow turned into one of the most sugary sweet things I've ever written.

Chapter for Fenris Jin who quite rightly pointed out….that voice.

I had intended to wait a few days before posting this to space out my updates more but as it turns out I have no willpower. :)


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius Black had kidnapped Luna. And Neville!

Snape was furious.

Both his favourite student and the unwitting source of his future success!

This was unacceptable!

He still needed another 49 potions before he completed his book.

The safety of the students was important as well of course but, 52 ways just didn't have the same ring to it as 101 ways.

Damn that Sirius Black!

More than anything Snape was furious that it had taken him several days to notice the disappearances. He didn't have any lessons scheduled with Luna until Thursday and so only became aware of her absence when she failed to show up to class. Asking around he had eventually established that no one had seen her since Tuesday. Why no one else had thought to question this when there was an escaped murderer on the loose who had already broken into the school several times was both a mystery and an outrage.

After raising the alarm they had quickly discovered that Longbottom was also missing (apparently he had not deliberately skipped potions as Snape had suspected; he discretely returned the 40 house points to Gryffindor and cancelled the detention he was planning to issue the boy when he next saw him) and a teachers meeting was currently taking place to discuss what to do.

Snape himself had decided to skip the meeting and begin an immediate search of the grounds. They had to be close to the school. He was sure of it.

The cold night air whipped his hair into his face just as he stepped out into the front courtyard and in his moment of distraction, he almost didn't see the perpetually dishevelled form of Professor Lupin rushing across the grounds towards the edge of the forest where the whomping willow stood.

"What in the name of Merlin's left bollock is he doing?"

The still raging Potions Master quickly set off in pursuit.

….

Everything was going disastrously.

On the plus side Luna and Longbottom were safe.

On the negative side Black had escaped, with Lupins help damn him, and to top it off the stupid werewolf had forgotten to take his potion. Seven hours of brewing and that idiotic, irresponsible, inconsiderate wretch had just 'forgotten'.

There would be words had. Very strong words.

Four letter words.

Standing tall between the snarling beast and his two defenceless students Snape wished he could say his thoughts were something heroic and noble. Something befitting the horrific death he was about to experience.

Instead his mind simply supplied him with;

"Just 49 more and I could have retired on the profits"

Life wasn't fair.

…..

It had been a miraculous escape he reflected later as he poured his third glass of scotch and downed it as quickly as the last two, already craving the fourth. The wolf had heard something in the forest and gone running towards it leaving Snape to quickly rush his two charges back to the safety of the castle where they were now in the capable hands of Poppy Pomfrey.

Black and Lupin were still in the forest of course, along with an unseemly number of dementors, but after the ordeal he had just been through Snape was happy to let that be the other teacher's problem for a while.

…

Over the next few weeks Neville Longbottom would find himself being issued an uncomfortable number of make-up potions lessons to cover the topics he had missed whilst in captivity. Despite his repeated insistence that it had only been two lessons and that none of the other teachers were doing this Professor Snape was relentless, asking the teen to brew potions Neville wasn't even sure were on the syllabus.

On top of that the Professor was studiously watching him as he worked and seemed to be taking a lot of notes.

As nervous as the Potions Master made him Neville couldn't help but feel somewhat awed at the memory of the man defending him from a full-grown werewolf. Summoning all his Gryffindor courage Neville vowed to do his very hardest in Potions from now on as thanks.

Though as his cauldron began to bubble over in a disturbingly blood like shade of red and melt the tiles surrounding it, the young man couldn't help but be slightly alarmed when instead of his usual insults and reprimands the Professor instead just scribbled even faster in his note book wearing a manic sort of smile and muttered under his breath something that sounded like "just 35 more".

Maybe the werewolf incident had affected the man worse than anyone realised?

* * *

It took almost a year but I finally wrote a new chapter. Motivation is a fickle thing in my world.

All my love and thanks to anyone still reading this.


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